sets in...

i am, but myself. i know i exists for people. (half) my reason, suddenly, seems missing. i feel like i cant do anything anymore. i will, but i don't live truly by my motto.

reality sets in even more now, sinks into the thick skull. no rhyme, no reason, no justification. it is, in no sense anymore.

i will not find a rebound, like what you've said. but worse off, i don't think i'll get emotionally attached to anyone even when i date. cuz i can't bring myself to go through this sort of draining process. it hurts. and maybe, just maybe, no one will make me feel this same way of elation.

materialistically, time and money may tell. but deep inside, i know my answer. and i wish i know yours. and how i wish even more that i can tell the future. you know how i like to read- front, middle n end; sometimes, i just skip the middle.

i just feel empty now. i don't know how now. i am lost.

for you.

Alcohol, take care of yourself and keeping your words.

Some 3 things that appears to be difficult to do, esp the first 2.

Suddenly, i feel very lost at this moment. like what i said, i feel so much but i cant put the right words to the feelings. it's like a turmoil inside. it's like a tornado. i didn't tear as much as anyone else would normally do, but it's the inner massive destruction that hasn't been expressed outward yet. it'll definitely take some time to be. and if that happens, i think no one and nothing can stop me. emotional wreck. right now, i know my face is blanked out. featureless. sad.

i'll never forget how it feels like to be sitting there, just before the "meyer rd" sign. that place will never be the same again. sitting there talking abt the break-up, talking abt the past and future. i wished i could stay there the whole night, for i know that we'll not do that again. i never knew how you felt all, i guess i nv will.

i know you read this blog, it'll be nice to see your comments sometime k? call me out for a coffee sometimes. i'll try to do the same. try. emo sms minimal. u gotta stick around anw.

thank you, calvin. for the happy and sad times, for going the ups and downs with me. for making my life colourful. at the very least, you make me happy. you make me smile. you make me realise i can be a better person. at least i know, i can be important to someone. i can make ppl change. and i love you, always do.

it's not going to be easy. everywhere i go, everything i see, esp in my room, i see things of us. memories of us. i'll try to let go, *shakes head* not gg to be an easy task. u have half of me, letting go half of myself feels not right. every night, my bears and stitches i have to see, reminds me of us. i guess i stubbornly will not put them away.

well, we'll enjoy this trip tog, try to. i dno how to face you and your parents. i dno how to appear in front of them. what should i do, tell me please?

there is, a future for us, to be seen or predicted?

will not be, will never be?

deep inside, i'm hoping it'll be, will be.

and you think.

After gym on tues, i was talking to my sis while in the changing room. later, she texted me and she mention:

Just cherish and grow. Those who give u chances despite ur failings are those who truly understand u.

I have been pondering on it whenever i see the sms. Feelings within me, i can't explain. And while packing my table, i came across the envelope which i scribbled lots of things on. Sth that hit me qt abit was changes must come from within. You must first want to change.

Sis smsed before the previous msg, Don't stress yourself on unnecessary stuff. Time is precious so cherish and put all ur best on the best things in life! Everything has it's reasons and purpose... ;)

I'll leave it open-ended. But truly, smiles abound the sadness. you'll understand it then.

Happy am i to spend time with you. be it just a tan and a movie and a quick breakkie. and to solve the qn after your given clue, real cool, delighted.

I wish i knew God's reasons and plans. Albeit not knowing, we all live lives still figuring it. Auntie Anne told me to enjoy the holiday, i can't rmb what preluded to it. thinkthinkthink.

PS: happy birthday nana (: hope you are doing alright there...

winner at a losing game.

by Rascal Flatts

Baby, look here at me
Have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumblin' for words
Through the tears and the hurt and the pain.
I'm gonna lay it all out
On the line tonight.
And I think that it's time
To tell this uphill fight goodbye.

Chorus:
Have you ever had to love someone
That just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you
The way I do
Is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever,
I'm a winner at a losin' game.

I know that baby, you've tried
To find me somewhere inside of you.
But, you know you can't lie
girl you can't hide the truth.oh noo
Sometimes two hearts
Just can't dance to the same beat.
So I'll pack up my things,
And I'll take what remains of me.

(CHORUS)

BRIDGE:
I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love
Yeah, baby it's killin' me to stand here and see
I'm not what you've been dreamin' of

(CHORUS)

Oh, oh, oh, if love is really forever
I'm a winner at a losin' game!

Oh, oh im tired of losin'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has this country feel, with very lovely beat and lyrics. wow. but i hear and looked outta window, of the bus and train and everything with the transparent thing. And i wonder what's it supposed to feel really. is it like this, or is it sth else? i kept thinking, but to no avail. i cant figure what i really feel. perplexed.

manyathinking.

I lost my motivation to even wake up, so my body sleeps for long. like way longer than it's supposed to be. it's bad, it could be as long as 10hrs. i used to sleep like that, yes, but i got used to even jus 5hrs. anw, sleeping is a pleasure.

Nana's back to Philippines and we're to get everything tog at home altogether. but i feel closer to my family- gg gym with terri, having dinner with mommy and daddy, taking time to even just chat with sherri for half an hour before rushing off. you know, these small activities do help.

I heard your voice, all chirpy and upbeat, got me feeling happy. got me thinking... but i'll keep what i thought out of blog. i'm just happy for you to be happy. cuz it is impt to me. SIGH.

I asked Auntie for the itinerary for the trip cuz i wanna visit cousin in London! but she told me that will probably confirm at the tour agency on fri. requested to revert the plans AND cost then. Then she told me that we'll speak soon and goodnight. Ouhkay. Friday's tml. heh! And no, i wouldn't give you even half of it, Calvin, you wish harder okay!

Got a jab for my rash last night. I'll rather a jab than a slower curing oral medicine. Anw, doc said it's probably allergy (don't know to what) but triggered by either food or mosquito bite while in Tg Pinang. Since sun when i was back.

Tg Pinang was destressing. Lovely night sky i have to sky! too bad, couldn't take the halo over the moon. oh well, no choice, camera din allow. but it was pretty awesome! diving trips should be the same as well, i reckon! yay! can't wait can't wait.

Still thinking should i go zoukout or not. Pretty pricey things for a clubbin event sorta. well, and it's okay free and char that i know gg. not much of motivation or things to look out for leh. well, still thinking.... ....

okay, waiting for sherri reply me on where the cable to the LG phone is. i wanna upload the jab photo to fb! my first jab outside mandatory grounds k!! =P was so excited that my doc allowed and posed for me la, so cute eh! well then, much said, listening to music and online when i'm to study my MM. Back to paper pages now. Cya!

xoxo,

cherri

PS: i dno how to go gym with a weak left arm. crap! =\ oh and L4D2 is out LONG ago and i havent use the frying pan or guitar to whack zombies!! RARR!!