Note to self

it's been an awful late night ytd. but what can i say for i found trouble myself.
i love how the thunder sounds- terrifying yet calming at the same time. For this is what i need. it's not a glamorous thing to say what happened last night but i wanna state it down to rmb. to look back. And afterall, to note to myself how ashaming i can be to myself, to those who love me, to those who care for me.

I don't want to lose someone who loves me just because of my stupor. It's not worth it.
I don't want to disappoint those who love me, esp Calvin, anymore than i have cuz it's all too silly.
I don't want to be trouble to those around me.

I wanna speak up more. I must learn to take care of myself more. I must never forget that drinking sorrows is not the best thing. And if im feeling unhappy, not to drink and club.

I must give more love care and laughter to those around me, not tears anger and disappointment.

And it's better to speak out cuz no matter how one looks, he is listening. It's better to face it than to keep it within me and drown it on drinking.

I need to grow up more. I need to be more independent and responsible.

I now know who to turn to talk as well. So, when i need to talk to someone (also means i need to speak up!!), i better turn to those who are genuinely concern.

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I've been stuck on this song for a while now... i guess it's worth a lyrics mention in my entry. i nearly teared while listening to it just now on the bus journey to town to meet alex brandon and ruth with calvin. had a gd time laughing but i know through everything, they are ppl i dn wanna trouble them everytime cuz they're a buncha nice concerned ppl. and it's not fair to them even so to have them take care of me. anw here goes...

Black Eyed Peas- Alive.

[ will.i.am ]
I got so much love
For you darlin' and i,
I wanna let you know how I feel

And its true that I love you
And it's true your the only one and I do,
I adore you
And its true girl
You make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x

[Fergie]
You said - you said - you said
That im the only one
You said that im your number 1
Now your gone and I feel numb
Tell me where do we go wrong
You are my best friend and boyfriend
Now its seems like you're my worst friend
I gotta do soul searching
Without you im a whole different person
I aint acting like I used to
I don't feel loved like I used to
It was your love I was used to
Why do I had to lo-lo-lo-lose
Your love your love your love
Your love is what it was
That have me feeling **bust**
***you are my true love***

[will.i.am]
And its true that I love you
And it's true your the only one and I do
I adore you
And its true girl

You make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x
Hey girl ur the only one
**must** be my number one
Now your gone I feel so numb
Tell me how do we go wrong
First friends then we became best-friend
You used to be my girlfriend
Now your my worst friend
Yeah I gotta do a lil soul searching
Without you im a whole different person

I don't even act like I used to
I don't even feel loved like I used to
I guess its your love that I used to
And I feel bad that I lose you
I get so many things that I wanna sa-sa-sa-sa...
I guess this mean that im missing you
Sorry for the things that I did to you
Im so lost without you

[will.i.am]
And its true that I love you
And it's true your the only one and I do,
I adore you
And its true girl

U make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x
I got so much love
...i adore u and its true girl
You make me feel alive ive ive ive 4x

[taboo]
So easy to fall in love with u
And all the things that u do
Baby girl ur so remarkable
So special, so wonderful
So special, so wonderful
So special, so wonderful

Baby girl ur so remarkable